What Family's For
by Baileys
Summary: Now a series of ones shots tied into episodes, revolving around the team's family and friendship feels. With a Spencer Reid focus.
1. Zugzwang S8

Season 8 - Zugzwang

...

As soon as Reid started crying Hotch knew he had to get him out of there. With the threat gone he holstered his weapon and made a cautious approach. The others too closed in and he shooed them back, the last thing Reid needed right now was to be surrounded. Satisfied everyone understood Hotch took a deep breath and Kneeling down, steeled himself for what was to come.

Taking Reid by the shoulders, intending to draw the poor kid away from the scene and prying eyes Hotch was taken by surprise when Reid turned in his grip and, just like he had six years ago in a cold and wet cemetery threw himself onto Hotch. And also just like then Reid's skinny arms wrapped tightly around his neck, warm tears escaping in torrents, staining his shirt collar. Only difference was the dead body at their feet was not Tobias Hankle.

As much as the team was family this had been an ordeal Reid wasn't in any condition to face with an audience and Hotch wanted to protect him from that at least. Mindful of his injured shoulder Hotch wordlessly wrapped both his arms around the shaking body and held his boy tight, letting him cry shielded from the rest of the world.

It was moments like this that Reid, the kid who seemed detached at times, didn't like being touched to the point he won't even shake hands, managed to surprise him. Just when Hotch thinks he knows him Reid goes and does something completely unexpected. Like getting a girlfriend. Knowing he shouldn't be surprised by anything Reid does anymore didn't change the fact that despite JJ's jovial comment in the elevator that one time, nobody really knew how deep their relationship went. Until today. And now they did know not one of them was going to be able to enjoy the nervous smile Spencer sometimes wore, or tease him good naturedly about growing up and adult relationships. For someone like Reid, for whom relationships are not a dime a dozen, the damage was impossible to predict. Hotch couldn't breathe from just thinking about the consequences of witnessing someone he loved suffer such a violent death and when Haley's image flashed in his mind Hotch instinctually squeezed Reid a little tighter.

A hand squeezed Hotch's shoulder at the same time, making him jump, but not loosen his hold. Turning his head to rest on top of Reid's his own watering eyes met Rossi's. Hotch was very aware all eyes were still trained on them and so moving his head slightly again, chin brushing against Reid's fever warmed cheek Hotch nodded towards the exit.

"Go, we got this," Dave agreed, voice low and gravelly.

"You sure?" Hotch had to check, he didn't want to run out on his team, but Reid was his team too and this was an unusual if not exactly unprecedented situation.

"He doesn't need to see this," Rossi confirmed, gaze straying to the body then back on Reid.

Hand running through the boy's sweaty hair, head hot from stress and exhaustion Hotch smiled gratefully at Dave and then pushed the kid away far enough to allow them to walk, but not so far as to drop the embrace entirely. Arm around his shoulders, though Reid was still crying he had quietened down, the shaking coming in waves now, not continuous. The last couple of days had taken a heavy toll and now to end this way, the kid had clearly reached his emotional limit, exhaustion would win out in the end.

The coroner passed them in the hallway on their way down. Respectful of the situation they waited until he and Reid cleared the floor before making a move on the bodies. Bracing the stairs Hotch's thoughts drifted and he imagined Reid's body being put into the black bag they carried. It was a dream he'd had before. Not just about Reid either, but him more often than the others, in his dreams as in reality Reid usually held the same place in his heart as his son.

Reaching the paramedics who had clearly been ordered to greet them outside, one stepped forward and took Reid from him without a fight. By the tightly clenched fists and still distressed sounds Hotch had been sure the kid wouldn't be letting him go anytime soon, but the young woman managed to get him to sit on the bumper of her bus with barely a reaction.

"He's in shock." She said to Hotch immediately, obviously his expression communicated his thoughts perfectly to pick them up so accurately.

Watching her and her partner check Reid for other injures and declare the bullet wound in his arm a near miss Hotch let out a held breath in relief. As horrible as it was, he was still thankful they hadn't lost Reid today. This kid had been a part of their family since he was quite literally still a child, before all of the key moments in his adult life. They were all he knew, and with the absence of any parental figure able to look out for him Hotch felt the role of parent had along the way, fallen to him. If the team lost their youngest Hotch didn't know how any of them would continue, knowing that the job they lived their lives for had stolen him away.

As expected Reid did put up a little fight when the paramedic wanted to take him in, but not enough to really get anywhere. It was clearly the exhaustion more so than desire making him compliant until now and Hotch had found himself grateful for it made this part easier, last thing he wanted to be doing was telling Reid off.

...

Rossi walked down the stairs making his way out the warehouse. It had been difficult keeping everyone on task, what with Morgan walking around with a permanent scowl on his face, mad at the dead girl with no vent for his frustration, JJ wanting to follow Reid Rossi having to keep her back. His age and experience told him Reid didn't need an audience to his break down, it had been heart breaking enough to see him fall apart in the office earlier, Hotch was definitely the right person to be with the kid right now.

Stepping into the cool evening air, ridding himself of the smell and feel of the building that was the final scene of so much upset tonight Hotch was in fact the first person he saw.

"He okay?" Rossi asked quietly on approach.

Hotch was sitting on the bumper of their suv, Reid sitting opposite in an ambulance with a paramedic strapping his shoulder.

"Shock" Hotch didn't break from staring in the kid's direction.

"His shoulder?"

"Missed, just a graze" Hotch swallowed.

"But?" Rossi drawled taking a seat next to him.

"He's already refused to go to the hospital to be fully checked over."

Rossi frowned, sure that Hotch would have insisted he get taken care of. "You alright?"

Hotch seemed to think but by the time his face settled in decision Dave thought he already knew what he was going to say.

"I was just thinking of Haley." Aaron said regrettably, but moving them swiftly on. "He needs to stay with us tonight, he can't be alone.

Can't. Not shouldn't.

"Understandable" Rossi confirmed running sweaty palms over his pant legs in a nervous gesture not often seen in him.

They both settled their joint gaze on Reid, looking tired, worn and with unshed tears still in his eyes.

"Do you think he'll recover?"

Rossi knew Hotch was just voicing his fears now, it wasn't really a question for consideration, but the father in him was asking what if he didn't. A parent's worst nightmare, no matter how irrational.

"He has us, the whole team around him," Rossi injected some positivity into his words knowing Hotch's was waning, "We'll get him through this, together."

They share a look, Hotch taking his eyes off the boy anyone with half a brain knew he considered as his own for the first time since a bullet took another life from this world.

"Hotch?"

The name was uttered like a quiet plea rather than a name and both were startled to find Reid standing before them.

"You okay?" Hotch asked quickly standing, offering his hand in support.

Reid nodded, staring but not making a move to accept the gesture.

Rossi watched him closely and could see he was near to losing it again, looking over his shoulder he could see the paramedic putting her things away shaking her head.

"Can you take me home please?"

The request sounded so much like a child Rossi did a double take, but sure enough, no matter how many times he looked, Reid was the only other person in their vicinity. Out the corner of his eye Rossi could tell what Hotch wanted to say, it was what they were both thinking, had already agreed to even, but how to tell Reid there wasn't a chance of them leaving him alone tonight? Probably not tomorrow night either, that wasn't going to be easy.

"Jump in," Hotch nodded, moving round to open the car door.

Dave stayed quiet. He trusted Aaron to know what he was doing. Like Rossi he knew when to fight and when to let Reid believe he's getting his way. Once seated Hotch did up the kids seat belt like it was nothing and shut the car door. They shared another long look, a silent conversation had with a final nod of understanding of the plan, Hotch climbed in the driver's seat and pulled away.

Rossi remained standing outside in the cold watching the SUV disappear down the street when JJ showed up behind him.

"Is that Reid?" She sounded distressed.

Not taking his gaze off the car in the distance, "Hotch is going to stay with him for now." He turned in time to see JJ nod, looking like there was plenty going on behind her eyes but that voicing those jumbled thoughts was going to be near impossible. "Come on," Rossi walked them back inside, "We're going need everyone tonight."

...

Hotch pulled up outside Reid's apartment. They sat in silence, he was looking up at the window but made no move to get out of the car. Before Hotch could ask, Reid sniffed and ducked his head, hiding his eyes.

"Is it weird that I don't think I can be alone right now?"

Memories of Reid upset; his kidnapping, the drug use, Texas, his father, Emily dead then alive, migraines, Florida- they assualt his mind one after the other and don't stop. So many times Reid had been hurting, only a handful where he'd sort or accepted comfort for that hurt. Pleased this was going o be part of that handful Hotch put the car in drive and pulled away from the curb without hesitation.

Pulling up at Rossi's house probably surprised Reid the most, "Don't you need to get home for Jack?"

"He's with his aunt tonight." Hotch confirmed, not getting into how he'd arranged that and when.

Standing in Rossi's expanse of a hallway looking into the living room to find the team waiting for them, like they'd been there a while was also a surprise if the dropped jaw was any indication. If Reid checked the watch on his sleeve he'd see they left his apartment well over an hour ago, however after pulling away from his street the kid had slumped in his seat and finally given into the exhaustion which had been trying to consume him. Hotch had wanted him to get as much rest as possible before a new day dawned and the realization that his life had changed overnight settled in. So he drove around, block after block until eventually he needed to refuel. Parking up at the garage and having Spencer not even stir Hotch went back to the BAU and fetched Reid's go bag from his desk, knowing if he had to give Reid his in his car that he'd look like a kid playing dress up in his dads clothes.

"Hey," Rossi greeted them, offering both a drink.

"Reid go get changed," Hotch instructed, handing Reid his bag and pointing towards the bathroom.

The kid frowned, gave a confused look, but didn't question. Rossi found that familiar action comforting. Somehow Hotch managed to steer the kid in all the right ways. Whether it was silencing him mid-rant, containing his sometimes inappropriate enthusiasm or general taking careof him, Reid rarely questioned Hotch's authority about anything when it was directed at him.

Hotch looked relived to not have a fight on his hands when the bag was taken and Reid made his way quietly upstairs. Clearly despite the kids unwavering respect he'd still doubted how this would go. Rossi clinked the ice in his empty glass, refocusing his attention.

"Right." Hotch breathed and followed Rossi to join the others.

"Where's my baby boy?" Garcia jumped up first, leaving Morgan and JJ sharing the large corner seat, Blake standing behind them pacing by the window.

"Getting changed," Hotch said tensely looking them over one by one, like now the pressure of keeping strong for Reid was temporally lifted, he was feeling just as emotionally drained as the kid.

She hovered looking desperate to leave but waiting for his blessing for some reason.

"Go, Garcia." Hotch nodded, not really knowing what would be best for Reid right now.

He didn't want him smothered but at the same time leaving him alone was probably not a good idea either. It made Garcia happy at least because she ran the second he opened his mouth.

"So how is he really?" Morgan asked once they all settled back down again.

Hotch fell into the sofa. "I'm not sure, he's not spoken about anything yet."

"Oh god," Blake groaned, "this is not how I saw this ending."

"Nobody did." Rossi agreed.

"What are the odds that he'd finally have a girlfriend but then she'd end up being the obsession of a psychopath?" JJ added.

"I bet Reid could actually tell you," Morgan joked

"Let's not can we?" Hotch put a swift end to the talk.

The order wasn't delivered harshly, everybody dealt in different ways and honestly if this wasn't Reid they probably wouldn't be here at all. Correction, if Reid had never been kidnapped by Hankel all those years ago they wouldn't be here now, not like this. Though his drug use had never really made it into a habit he had been forced into taking Dilaudid. Had concealed that information, or tried to at least, from them. Fear had been the driving force back then as it no doubt would be now. Even though the initial use wasn't his fault, the idea, the memory, the craving was still there. No one sets out to be an addict, but that's the nature of the disease. And now here he was, facing another difficult situation where the memory of escape is right there within his grasp. No way was Hotch or anyone else willing to leave Reid at risk like that. They hadn't considered it after faking Emily's death, and they weren't going to make that same mistake again. Not now, not ever.

Garcia reappeared with Reid sequestered at her side, a comforting arm wrapped around his back, looking wide eyed and nervous. His face was no longer tear stained but definitely didn't look good. He slunk into the room and onto the sofa next to Hotch without pause leaning into his unit chiefs side as if he belong there. Hotch didn't blink, raising his arm to rest over the back cushions he allowed Spencer to get as close as he liked to feel comfortable. Safety was what their boy was seeking from them now and no way was anyone in the room going to deny him.

At first things were tense, but then Morgan got the conversation flowing. Eventually everyone relaxed enough to speak freely and though Hotch knew from experience that the fog would fade eventually, the grief and monumental meaning of what had happened settling in, it would take time. Now it was important to relax and enjoy this if that wasn't too a macabre thing to say. Ending this day with a good memory, one not stained with blood and regret for lost opportunities was what he needed most.

That's what family was for.


	2. The Witness S11

Season 11 - The Witness

...

Lewis takes the stairs slowly. Hovering by the entrance of the office door, keeping just out of sight so the occupant of said office doesn't see, she takes a second to reconsider her decision. Last thing she wants is to make Agent Hotchner think he's hired a loon, but maybe that's just the price she has to pay if this doesn't work out. End of the day she needs to walk in or away, hanging outside the boss's door isn't a productive action for anyone.

Right.

Knock, Knock.

"Come in." Hotchner smiles upon seeing her, "How was your first case?"

He's packing his desk, ready for home.

"It was... enlightening." Lewis smiles, making her way edgily into the office. "There is something I wanted to talk to you about though."

Her words are rushed, yet the tone hesitant. Hotch pauses one hand half in, half out his briefcase.

"Something wrong?" Frown burrowing into his forehead he beckons her to the nearest chair.

"Well it's not a something, more a someone." She says coyly taking the proffered seat.

Hotchner's frown remains in place, only the tone changes from confused to searching. "Has something happened?"

"No, no everyone's been very welcoming you've got a wonderful group of people here." She smiles broadly, looking him directly in the eye.

"But...?"

Adjusting her position, crossing one leg with other before leaning forward, "I hope you don't think I'm crossing professional boundaries, especially so early on," Lewis pauses to gage his reaction and reading only concerned interest in his expression she continues, "but I've noticed something you may want to address sooner rather than later."

She's aware how patronizing her voice sounds, but it's hard to turn the doctor in her off. Even though she knows Agent Hotchner cannot be played, it's a comforting coping mechanism all the same.

"Go on," he nods looking less sure, "It's okay if you feel it's important..."

Relaxing Lewis once again sits forward, clasping both hands over her knee. "You know it's hard to stop working sometimes. You find yourself looking at things and applying theories where really you shouldn't, but once you discover something, and you know your own inaction could cause further harm, then what do you do?"

She pauses, giving Hotch an assessing glance.

Hotch stares back. Waiting. And she realizes he's never going to make it easy for her.

"What do you do?" Hotchner's face remains rigid, slight tip of his head and airy tone the only clues he's messing with her.

Lewis swallows, gets to her point without further delay.

"I think there's a member of your team that's not dealing with all the personnel changes as well as he's leading you to believe." Her eyes stray to the window overlooking the bullpen, gaze zeroing in on the only member who still holds a desk down there at present.

...

Hotch tracks her gaze and sighs, understanding now the 'who' has become clear that by not dealing with the changes she doesn't mean in the conventional sense. He should have seen this coming.

"How bad?" He turns back to Lewis, frown lost, replaced only by sorrow.

"In my professional opinion?"

Hotch nods. It seems to make her feel better.

"On a scale of one to ten... eleven." Lewis laughs, a small nervous sound that in someone else would seem unfeeling.

Hotch wants to ask, but the guilt is all consuming, leaving him shifting nervously in his seat.

"Don't get me wrong," Lewis rushes to assure, "he's done nothing overt, and certainly made me feel welcome, but I've noticed he seems a little withdrawn, putting too much effort into smiling when anyone is looking..." she trails and he nods, Aaron doesn't need her to list all the common signs of attachment syndrome for him to understand how it applies here.

"I should have noticed." He snorts on a sigh.

"Don't beat yourself up, the bonus about being the new face in town is that you notice everything without biased."

Hotch grins wirily, truer words have never been spoken when it comes to Reid. "Thank you, but Spencer, he's a little... different."

Lewis nods, not smiling this time. "I've noticed" she tells him softly.

Hotch looks her in the eye, happy they have a mutual understanding of their youngest profiler. It'll make it much easier to pair them in the field. They share another smile, exchange a silent agreement and Hotch quickly excuses himself.

Lewis keeps her gaze on him, tracking Hotchner out the door and down the stairs. Standing she moves over to the window for a better view. Approaching Agent Reid's desk looks almost routine, but it's not until he's right in the young doctor's personal space that even the most discerning observer would see the surprise on his face as the unit chief of the BAU rolls over a free office chair and seats himself right next to him.

…

Reid's slouching in his chair, staring numbly at the blank computer screen in front of him. Face clouded, lips pulled tight, fingers steepled in his lap. Hotch hates seeing the emptiness in those normally very expressive eyes.

Decision made, using the element of surprise, Hotch continues forward, grabs JJ's free chair and rolls it over next to Reid's, dropping in to it before the daydreaming kid even notices he has company. When he does notice Reid smiles up at him in surprise, it's forced, but not so much that Hotch feels his proximity is making him uncomfortable. Studying the false expression, comparing it to other times he's seen Reid smile, both before and since JJ left to have her baby he's now sure Lewis is right. JJ's maternity leave is the third major team change to occur in the last 18 months and Reid's trying to hide his feelings about it, most likely so they don't worry about him. The kid needs to learn that no matter what, they'll always worry about him. Hotch thinks now is as good a time as any.

Still looking on from the window Lewis' heart near stops when she sees Reid jump, then quickly force a smile to his youthful face, but as Hotch starts talking, one hand gripping a boney shoulder, then knee, she watches the boy's expression change with whatever words are being said. Neither one looks her way, which means Hotch hasn't outed her as the source and although he's tense at first, Reid goes from embarrassed to dejected to bashful all within minutes, eventually he ducks his head and breaks into a shy smile. A genuine one judging by the matching smile on Agent Hotchner's face. Before long the tense shoulders drop and the pair are laughing together at something only they appear to understand.

She wasn't planning on getting too deep into who held what role in this team, but one thing has become clear without her even trying - the young doctor is definitely the 'golden child' of this strange, but loveable little group.

Feeling happy that her advice didn't backfire, for if she can help bring that kind of a smile to someone's face each day then the job is certainly worth the long hours and risks they take. Seeing Morgan walking in on the scene looking confused, almost taking a step back, but then striding over with a wide smile further confirms her belief she made the right call. Satisfied Lewis steps away from the window. She's not going to insert herself into the group dynamic tonight. There will be plenty of time for that later. Right now the current members need to focus on one of their own.

Walking down the stairs, bag slung over her shoulder she tries to stay under the radar, but catches Hotch's eye all the same. Morgan draws Reid's attention and he looks over at her with a pleased smile and clipped nod. Acknowledging the thanks, she dips her chin and smiles back before slipping otherwise unnoticed out the door.

Safely in the elevator Lewis catches her smile reflected in the grey metal doors. Yes, sir, her first case has gone just fine.


	3. No Funeral Today

None episode specific, but sometime in season 11

…

Laughing Morgan walked off, and Reid picked up his ringing phone in a fluster.

"Reid, or I mean special Agent err, hi."

"Is this Doctor Reid?"

"Yes." Reid answered the friendly yet formal female voice on the other end of the line.

"I'm calling from Memorial Hospital, Las Vegas, I'm afraid I have some bad news."

"Bad news, err, what is it my, my mother?"

"No Doctor I'm calling in regards to your father, a Mr. William Reid?"

Stunned into silence momentarily, it took him a few seconds to gather himself and process the words, mind skipping ahead to what this call may be about. "Go on."

He didn't ask how or what happened? Questions like that didn't belong in a conversation about a man he barely knew, had only seen once within the last twenty years.

"I'm sorry to have to tell you, but your father was involved in an accident early this morning. The doctors did everything they could, but he died on the operating table an hour ago."

"An hour ago?" Reid repeated, looking at his watch for some reason.

"Yes and again I'm sorry, but one of the reasons I'm informing you over the phone instead of in person is because your father was listed as an organ donor."

"Okay."

There was a pause on the other end of the line. "As next of kin we need your permission and if we had time I wouldn't be so blunt but-."

"What? Next of...? No there's got to be a mistake. I - we-"

"Doctor I understand from his wife the nature of your relationship with your father wasn't close-"

"His what?" Reid breathed, the woman on the other end kept talking, bombarding him with information he couldn't handle and he couldn't listen anymore. "Yeah, she's, she's my mom just, just do whatever he wanted. I'm... yeah. You need me to sign something?"

"I can have it emailed to you-"

Reid shut her up by reeling off Garcia's email address and then quickly hung up, slamming the phone down hard, before running out the bull pen.

...

"Garcia?"

"Yes, my dove" she spun around in her chair, catching sight of his face all colour drained from hers. "Oh no what's happened?"

"Nothing can you check your email, I had someone send you something." Reid dismissed, his tone uncharacteristically cold telling her he was trying extra hard to hide his emotions by controlling his voice.

Profilers weren't the only ones who could read people.

"You had them send it to me?" She turned back to her screen anyway, knowing the best way to get the answers she wanted would be to play along and do as he said.

"Yeah, I have to electronically sign something?" Reid mumbled the statement as a question.

"Ah and of course you'd need my help with that." She chuckled until she found what it was he was having to sign. "Oh Spencer."

"How do I do it?" He cut her off quickly.

Garcia blinked, saw the bitter determination in his eyes and knew there was only one way to help him right now.

"Err, you just…" Garcia walked him through it and had it sent back to the Las Vegas hospital all within five minutes. "Reid, if you-"

"I'm fine, nobody else needs to know."

"But at least let me call Morgan." She called after him as he ran like the flash out her door.

"Well he didn't say I couldn't," Garcia grumbled to herself, snatching up her phone speeding dialing faster than she had ever speed dialed before.

...

"Hey Baby Girl,"

"No time for flirty chat our baby's in trouble." She screeched at him down the phone.

Derek stopped dead in the middle of the street he was walking down, lunch in hand. "Okay calm down, what's Reid got himself into this time? He hasn't even left the office yet today."

"How'd you know-? Never mind." Morgan was laughing up until she spilled exactly what was wrong.

Throwing his coffee in the nearest bin to allow him to run faster, "I'm on my way,"

...

"Reid?" Morgan called the second he entered the bullpen, causing the majority of agents to look his way.

"Something wrong?" JJ asked looking up from her own desk opposite Reid's empty one.

"You seen him?" Morgan approached her.

"No, but then I just got back myself, Morgan what's wrong?"

Derek scanned the bullpen, thinking. He then walked off without answering.

"Rossi you seen Reid?" Morgan barged into the older man's office.

"Morgan, what's going wrong?" Hotch appeared in the doorway, having been alerted by JJ who was at his side.

He was clearly panicking the team. Looking around at everyone he knew this couldn't be kept a secret for long and decided best to tell now, get it over with. Reid would forgive him later.

"Garcia called."

...

Reid was down in the archives. It was peaceful and a good place to go when he needed to be alone without leaving the building. Dark, quiet, perfect conditions when he needed to think. Most may think his fear of the dark would put him off, but that fear only came from darkness in unfamiliar places. Cemeteries, parking garages, haunted houses all fine as long as he knew the area in daylight too. A grin hit his face. A memory of a house, one at the center of an urban legend which lead them to catch a most surprising unsub. Garcia had tried to scare him that night, and it had worked too.

Picking up another volume Reid put it in a pile of possibles. He kept going along the row. He was sitting amongst some of his favorites when voices broke the gentle quiet.

"He came in an hour ago, looked a bit flustered. Good boy he is, always helps me with the books at the end of the day when he's in town. You need to feed him more though."

"I'll see that we do,"

Reid recognised the familiar to the point delivery of his boss straight away.

"There he is." the old lady librarian who kept the archives announced. "Spencer? Visitor."

"Yes Mrs. Brunel, thank you." Reid looked her way and smiled.

Hotch thanked the woman too and walked over to the boy lounging on the dusty floor. After a moments consideration Hotch took up position on the floor next to him. Reid knew that second Hotch wasn't looking for him because he had work to do.

"Garcia told you didn't she." Reid dropped the book he'd been holding in his lap.

"Morgan actually, Garcia called him. She was worried about you."

Reid huffed. Should have known. Hotch continued talking, about nothing really, just how he has friends and they are here for him, his voice was so soft, so nice it was nearly Reid's undoing. This was the Hotch outside of work, the one he saw at parties or generally any time they weren't on a case. This was Dad-Hotch sitting with him right now and damn it if that's not exactly what he didn't need.

"I'm fine, really." he squeaked, despite knowing Hotch wouldn't believe it, knowing Hotch would hear the strain in his voice and like Morgan or Rossi or JJ want to ask further.

"Reid, he was your Dad."

Reid shook his head. He'd never talked about his father. Not beyond the case in Vegas years ago. Hotch probably didn't understand.

"No he wasn't." Reid shook his head again. "I told you, back-"

He was about to say back when he was first off the Dilaudid, but being aware of where they were cut himself off.

"I remember Reid." Hotch said softy.

At ease Reid continued. "I told you... back then," he gave Hotch a pointed look. "He choose not to be my father when he left."

"What about the Riley Jenkins case? You told me he apologized."

Yes. That's right, he did. His dad did apologize and frankly he'd been feeling so bad for all the trouble he'd sat there and not been able to say anything, but the flight back and then dinner at Rossi's that evening, he'd thought about it.

"That night, after I fell asleep, you and Rossi were talking. Rossi said it was like all his problems were solved the minute he left us."

"Oh Reid," Hotch looked ashamed.

"I completely agree." Reid shrugged, shutting down any possible apology for talking about him while he slept- or rather appeared to be sleeping. "Remember because I told you." He pleaded again bringing up their conversation in the police station where he'd told Hotch to be a good dad all you had to do was try and never give up. "My Dad gave up on me."

"I haven't." Hotch said, out of the blue. "Neither has Dave." He added.

Reid didn't know what to say to the obvious message behind those simple words, he felt his cheeks heat and quickly looked away, unable to prevent the nervous grin forming on his lips.

Taking a deep breath Reid steadied himself. "He was there for the first ten years of my life. You've been here for the last thirteen."

"And counting" Hotch added lightly. "I'm just sorry I wasn't there for the eleven in between." Hotch added.

Reid blushed again, he'd actually thought about that. Where would he be now if only he'd met one of his colleagues much sooner. Would they have taken him in like they have now or would they have been just another stranger on the street who had no idea the trauma he lived through on a daily basis.

"You ready to go back upstairs?" Hotch broke him out his thoughts.

Reid looked away. "I don't want to go to the hospital. Or the funeral. I know how horrible that sounds, but please don't make me."

Hotch smiled at him, sadness in his eyes at the very thought of making this bright and damaged boy do anything he didn't want to. "I won't make you do anything you don't want to. I promise."

"Garcia won't understand." Reid worried, biting his lip fiercely.

"I think we can handle Garcia, we're not Morgan." Hotch chuckled, offering his hand.

Reid sniffed, then nodded. "Okay, let's go."

He didn't feel ready, but then he had a feeling he never would. His friends were worried though and probably needed to see him, make sure he was okay. He wanted to give them that at least.

Hotch could see Reid wasn't completely ready, but wasn't going to argue. His butt was numb and frankly sitting in the dark was creeping him out. The second Reid's cold narrow palm was placed in his much larger calloused one Hotch held the grip and used it to pull them both off the cold floor. They said a quick but pleasant goodbye to Mrs. Brunel on the front desk and together made their way back upstairs.

Entering the bullpen everyone was gathered in the conference room. Hotch wasn't sure if it was simply the only place they could worry privately or if something had happened, but nevertheless he was glad everyone had found their way back, which meant Garcia had received his text. He hadn't been sure. The archives weren't known for their stellar cell reception which is why he guessed Reid liked it so much.

"Spence!" JJ spotted him first and greeted him at the door with a big hug.

Reid melted in to it of course and didn't shy away when Garcia grabbed them both.

"Alright let my boy breath yeah?" Morgan came to the kid's rescue, fighting the woman off.

Hotch often felt bad thinking of Reid as 'kid', but truth was he still was the kid of their little group. Even the new agents that seemed to be popping in and out, Callahan and Lewis respectively were still older than Reid. It seemed no matter how much time passed or how old the rest of them got, Spencer was destined to be their eternal youngest. Hotch remembered as clear as day a barely legal Reid stumbling through the doors of the BAU, special request of the director himself.

Gideon had been in charge at the time. He'd been briefed on the matter of the child prodigy assigned straight from the academy. Something completely unheard of. Hotch had no doubt at the time that the poor kid had been thrown into a profession not of his choosing and sort to ensure he got the protection he deserved. His paternal side shining through from the start. Spencer had been granted a pass for FBI training but they still weren't letting him out in the field until he was of age to be in the FBI. That only lasted a year though. HR got sick of his requests to sit the next stage of testing and arguments as to his need to be patient and so at 22 he officially joined the BAU as a full SSA, thus beginning his true career. It took most agents until they were nearer 40 to get that title.

Looking at him now, thirteen years later, the kid had not changed. Not in looks anyway. He was still just as skinny, wore the same thrift shop style clothing, bar a few items that Morgan or Rossi had obvious picked out for him. Hair had altered over the years, but that was only when one of them took him to go get it cut. When it reached his shoulders a few years ago Hotch had threaten to put it in a burette if Reid didn't sort it. Unfortunately, that is exactly what the kid did. He took a pair of scissors to it that night. Hotch learnt never to be literal with the kid again after that.

"I'm fine, really." Reid assured the crowd of people all looking at him in concern.

"Okay everyone back to work." Hotch ordered noncommittally.

Reid smiled at him gratefully and along with Morgan JJ and Garcia left to head back to his desk.

"So," Rossi approached, "He really okay or are we having another team dinner at my place tonight?"

"Your offering this time, things do change." Hotch grinned.

"I'm mellowing in my old age, what can I say I'm a sucker for the puppy dog eyes, but don't avoid the question. The kid good or not?"

Watching Reid sit down at his desk, "His dad just died."

"And?"

"And honestly I don't know." Hotch turned, looking Rossi dead in the eye. "He doesn't seem too upset about it, not in the conventional sense anyway."

Rossi mulled that over. "Good. Bastard isn't worth it."

"That's pretty much what he said but with not with so much colour."

"You think that's colorful you should have heard me when I was a marine." Rossi grinned. Seeing the slight forced grin on Hotch he added. "Okay spill, what did he say?"

"Ah just that he was awake that time after Vegas when we were talking about his father. He heard everything. He agreed."

"What else did he say?" Rossi prodded, he had a feeling Reid had been awake the whole time anyway, and it was nothing the kid didn't already know.

Hotch looked away looking unusually embarrassed.

"Aaron?"

"He said his Dad gave up on him."

Dave's eyes instantly narrowed. Picturing himself beating up a corpse.

"What did you say?"

Hotch looked him dead in the eye. "That we haven't." He smiled, a rare smile that didn't light his face but was present all the same.

"Damn right we haven't." Rossi grinned quite pleased. "Now let's go tell everyone it's not work, it's quitting time. We're owed one for sure."

Rossi left the room before Hotch could protest, they had a party to plan, macabre as that may seem considering, but the kid needed to forget about his past and know what he still had. There would be no funerals today.


	4. Corazon S6

Corazon S6

...

Reid walked down the corridor holding his head. He hurt worse now than he did waking up this morning, if that was even possible and the bright light reflecting of the plain, seemingly endless white walls was just making it worse. Stumbling to the row of familiar hard plastic chair pushed up against one wall, Reid's only focus was on placing one foot carefully in front of the other to keep from keeling over. A door slamming somewhere behind him made him jump, shoulders reaching ears, whole body feeling heavy, as if gravity had suddenly decided to press upon his head until he bled. The resulting echo of the boom bounced between his ears and in his preoccupation of keeping his stomach contents down he bumped into someone. A man judging by the large shiny black dress shoes he was staring at intently.

"Sorry," he mumbled to the polished beyond reason pair.

Trying to keep his head as still as possible, he attempted to step around. The shoes sided stepped with him.

Reid frowned and tried to go the other way, but again the shoes followed blocking his path. Frustrated with the shoes and the persistent pounding behind his eyes Reid jerked his head back prepared to apologize again and end this, but immediately reeled, taking a stumbling step back. A pair of strong hands now grasping his biceps the only thing preventing his inevitable fall.

"Hello Spencer," Hotch spoke seriously, righting him on his feet before letting go.

Surprised beyond words Spencer blurted, "What are you doing here?"

Adding a smile to cover for the broken squeak, Reid knew it would have been better if he'd kept his mouth shut. Hotch merely smiled sadly back, it was almost pitying and Reid realised what that smile meant. Hotch knew. Gaze instantly flicking to the floor, top teeth biting into his lower lip Reid felt the traitorous tears gathering, blurring his sight. He refused to blink and let them fall, he was stronger than that.

"Reid," Hotch tighten the grip on his shoulder. "I'm here for you."

...

 _12 hours earlier -Miami_

'Oh, I err pretended to have a headache.'

'Pretended.'

'Yeah, pretended.'

Hotch shares a look with Rossi after Reid walks out, without making eye contact with either of them and decides hell no! They are not leaving it there. He passes Dave, who nods approval and follows him out. Coming up from behind at speed he grabs Spencer by his upper arm and marches him over to the waiting SUV, shoving him into the back seat.

"Stay," he disappears and reappears with two pills and a bottle of water.

"What are they for?" Reid merely stares at the pills, as if they're his arch enemy.

"Your headache " Hotch snaps.

"I said-"

"I know what you said."

He says no more, only glares.

Reid gingerly takes the pills and water reluctantly, hands shaking, but Hotch knows every trick because he waits for Reid to swallow. Looking sheepish the kid sits back, avoiding eye contact. Hotch curtly reminds him to do up his seat belt, then climbs in the driver's seat. Morgan joins them minutes later, looking about as blank faced as Hotch, which is never a good sign and hands Reid his vest. They travel to the jet in silence.

At the airstrip Reid's only just holding it together, the blossoming headache getting worse feeling the weight of the other's disappointment in him. Tears form, blurring his vision, forcing him to hide behind the group until everyone is settled so they won't see.

"They're just worried." Rossi opens, coming up on his left just as Reid has taken his seat.

"They seem mad," Reid replies quietly, keeping his focus on the table, clearing his throat to keep the raw emotion out of his voice.

"Because they're worried." Rossi says without smiling, arms folded over the headrest.

"I'm fine." Reid coughs, clears his throat again.

"No, you're not and everyone knows it." Rossi pauses, Reid can sense his eyes on him, sad questioning eyes which won't quit until he admits the truth. "Question is why are you hiding this from us?"

"It's just headaches, not a big deal." Reid tries to play it down, dismiss, anything to get Rossi to back off so he can break down without an audience.

"Sure." Rossi nods, Reid thinks he's taken the hint. "You also _just_ got taken hostage by a deranged serial killer after going missing at a crime scene, scaring us all half to death. That's no big deal either, right?"

"I, " but words fail him and Rossi walks away.

Halfway into the flight the headache progresses to the puking stage and Reid knows by this point it's going to be a bad one. He leaves the small bathroom looking worse than when he entered, hands groping the wall in order to stay upright, the bright lights on the jet taunting his already fragile state.

Just as Reid feels the floor slip out from under him, every muscle in his body turning to jelly, strong hands grab hold of his waist. He feels so weak he's glad to be dehydrated, shuddering at what embarrassment may have happened otherwise.

"Calm down, I've got you." A strong, comforting, distinctly male voice tells him.

Reid doesn't try and lift his head to see who the voice belongs to, he's noticing now how fast he's breathing, chest aching as painfully as his head.

Putting all his energy and concentration into doing as asked Reid relinquishes what little control he still has elsewhere. Reflectively he grabs hold of his rescuers shirt and pulls himself in. The presents of the tie narrows it down to one of two people, but the distinctive lack of strong colon gives him his answer.

"Hotch," Reid squeaks without pulling away. "I'm sorry I lied."

"Shhh, it's okay," Hotch's arms fold around him. "Just tell me what's wrong."

Reid giggles hysterically. "I have a headache." He continues through a sob.

Hotch mumbles some platitudes then asks if he can walk, Reid isn't sure he can and then, as if he'd said that out loud, arms are repositioned around his body and his feet leave the floor completely. Bile rises quickly in his throat as he's spun around and dropped into a seat. Concentrating on swallowing it down again leaves him unresisting to the hand now guiding his head to rest against the solid support of the shoulder next to him and holding in a whimper when he feels the brush of stubble against his own still fairly smooth cheek, a single tear breaks free, slipping from tightly closed eyes over a fever warm cheek.

...

Hotch has been sitting for a while now, choosing to read instead of starting his report. Emily slips into the seat in front of them and he raises a finger to his lips indicating the need for quiet.

"I've only just got him to sleep" he says, matter of fact.

Emily chuckles. This is a side of Hotch they rarely see at work. They know how hard he's worked because they've all been watching from the front of the jet since after Reid's collapse. The fidgeting finally stopped twenty minutes ago and Spencer gave into sleep, head still resting comfortably against Hotch's shoulder.

Reid isn't out cold, but is relaxed enough to stay in that in between world of waking and sleeping. He can hear Emily talking to Hotch, can feel the vibrations of the older man's replies through his chest where his head is resting. He thinks he should move, but honestly doesn't think he has the strength. The icepick is still trying to make deep searing holes through his skull. It isn't the first time he's fell asleep on someone either, but aside from a few pictures still lurking on Morgan's phone there's no other evidence.

Reid eventually opened his eyes nearly twenty minutes later. Looking at Emily still sat opposite, he squints as the light hurt his eyes. She smiles warmly, telling him to go back to sleep. As if resigned to his fate, trusting her Spencer does as instructed and closes his eyes again. Giving into the sheer exhaustion that comes from experiencing such pain and the after effects that will plague him for days. Aware of the compromising position he's in, but not caring right now he fidgets slightly in Hotch's hold without pulling away.

...

Hotch had been waiting for what felt like hours but in reality had only been about 10 minutes. He knew Reid wasn't often late for things, but when he was it usually meant something was wrong. Anyone else may have thought checking up on one of his team members in their personal time was wrong, but then that person would never have met Reid.

'What do you need protecting from?'

He'd asked and Reid had avoided the question. Worse, he'd lied. Not to his face, he'd looked to the floor, to the side, anywhere other than at Hotch because if he did stare him in the eye Reid knew he would know instantly. An excellent poker player due to his math skills, but bluffing was not a talent Reid excelled at, at least not to those he held any regard for. Unsub's and strangers were different. It was that knowledge which spurred Hotch into action. That and the fact that as soon as they had landed and returned to the BAU he'd slunk off without telling anyone he was leaving. If Reid wanted to hide something so badly he was prepared to sneak around, avoid and lie to them, then the only reason he'd do that would be if he was afraid. Afraid of what Hotch didn't know yet, but it was something he wanted to find out.

It had taken far too long for Reid to register his presence in the corridor, not like he'd been hiding. Hotch smiled and greeted him and when Reid's face settled, the shock and surprise transformed into guilt and, worse of all, fear. He looked pained and sad and so very, very young and in that moment Hotch knew he'd made the right decision.

Reid trying to hide his tears was the last straw. Tightening his hold on Spencer's skinny arms, one hand gripping his shoulder Hotch looked him in the eye.

"I'm here for you."


	5. Amplification S4

Amplification S4

…

Hotch and Morgan get to street level, breathing in the fresh air greedily, grateful for even that small concession right now. There's noises all around, consuming them, threatening to swallow them whole if either let it. The world freezes and Hotch becomes a mere observer of the surrounding chaos. The cars, the lights, the people all fade into the background, sirens and shouts recede to a dull roar. A hand grips his arm and Hotch slams back into reality with all the force of being at the center of a ten car pileup. The vertigo inducing sensation almost makes him vomit.

"We've got this don't worry," the General breaks through his subconscious in the same manner one might snap a twig by stepping on it. "Seriously, you've got your man to check on."

The General misinterprets his bewildered silence for argument, but Hotch doesn't care to correct him. All too aware the raw emotion he's been suppressing for the last too many hours is pushing itself to the surface. His stoic FBI Agent mask weakening and developing cracks. Quickly thanking the General, with a nod Hotch grabs Morgan and together they head out.

...

The elevator journey up to the quarantined floor seems endless. Much like the car ride before it. Something about hospitals that gets under his skin, despite the knowledge that this is the best place for him to be, he can't help but think it signals the worse as well.

A hollow ding signals the metal doors opening. Feeling the sudden chill as he steps off into the busy waiting area he's never noticed how cold it can be in these places either. _'You'd think they'd at least try and make you feel comfortable.'_

"You say something?"

Rossi shakes his head at his companion on this sad, sad journey, focusing on his forward momentum and navigating them around the sterile corridors in search of answers. Rounding the second corner one of the people they're looking for is directly in their sights and Rossi wastes no time.

"How is he?"

Anxious pacing forced to an abrupt halt Morgan stands tall before them, looking him directly in the eye Rossi waits for him to announce Reid's fate...

"We don't know."

At his side Prentiss goes ridged, like a devil cat ready to pounce on her pray. He's readying to demand how, in god's name and all that is holy can Derek Morgan of all people NOT KNOW! But a hand on his arm suppress' the impulse, Emily knowing as well as him that Morgan would have already exhausted all avenues of information on the health of one Dr. Spencer Reid. If he didn't know, there was nothing to know. Yet.

Rossi inwardly calmed and shared his own commiserations with a light pat to Morgan's shoulder. Just as he's guiding them all to take a seat in the adjacent waiting area two more familiar faces round the corner.

"Well we just can't keep away from each other." He joked, desperate to lighten the frown on Hotch's face and prevent the building tears in Garcia's eyes from falling.

"What about JJ?" Emily asked, breaking the tension somewhat, as was likely her plan.

"She's dealing with the press." Hotch spoke flatly, moving forward between the impromptu gathered group in the middle of the hospitals corridor to find a doctor.

"I promised her we'd call with an update…" Garcia said looking hopefully at Derek, knowing he'd been here since the scrum bag was taken into custody.

"Sorry baby girl." Morgan shook his head as they all took a seat.

At least with Garcia here he was looking slightly stronger. A saving grace since a Derek Morgan who didn't have a hope or some kind of motivational speech ready was a Derek Morgan Rossi didn't want to know.

"Derek,"

The name was softly spoken, but none of the gathered group missed it. They all looked up, raising their heads like nosy meerkats in the desert. Rossi reached over and offered Garcia his hand when it looked like fear was keeping her firmly in her seat.

"News?" Morgan demanded of the petit doctor before them.

"Dr. Reid was right." The visibly tired woman offered them a small reassuring smile.

"He usually is." Rossi spoke with a smile of his own when it looked like everyone else was too emotionally stunned for words.

"Analysis of the inhaler confirmed an antidote." She continued formally, cluing in even the non-profiler amongst them that they weren't out of the woods yet. "We've given it to all four remaining survivors from the park as well as Dr. Reid and everyone is responding, the anthrax is no longer attacking their bodies."

"But?" Prentiss butted in, the first to verbalize what the rest of them were thinking.

Doctor Kuma's face fell, growing somber. "I don't want to alarm you, but what we don't yet know is if the damage already done is too great to recover from."

Garcia's hand clenches onto his tighter. "But Reid was only infected today, he can't be... he should have the best chance."

The build-up of unshed tears was evident in her voice.

"Unfortunately Dr. Reid's symptom's where acute." Dr. Kuma flicks her gaze to Morgan. "Due to the increased amount of the powder in a contained space." She smiled softly, apologizing for the news not being better. "Aphasia had already set in on the way to the hospital, where as it took a day or longer in all of the others whom were affected in the park."

"So that means?" Morgan prompted.

Rossi winced, feeling sorry for the doctor, but understanding the need to hear the actual words.

"It means... his odds aren't good."

"And - and by odds you mean?" Garcia begged, refusing to believe what the rest of them were clearly too jaded to deny.

"All I can do is keep him comfortable, treat the symptoms as they present and... hope." Kuma swallows, her short time with their youngest being all she needed to become attached to him obviously. "I'm sorry I can't give you better news. Really."

Respecting they needed time to digest the prognosis she left, but no before telling them a nurse will be by shortly to show them to Reid's room.

Taking a deep breath and a good look around at his teammates Rossi doesn't know where to start. Garcia had finally let the tears fall, uncaring. Morgan had dropped into his seat head in hands, looking more vulnerable and open than Rossi has ever seen him. Next to him Emily was standing leaning over a chair, to the untrained eye appearing well put together, but the fixed gaze, lips pulled into a tight thin line left no doubt she was falling apart on the inside.

"I'll call JJ." She announces calmly walking away before she breaks.

Hotch also leaves their little group, silently walking away, arms folded high and tight to his chest, one hand covering his eyes, then his mouth as he digests the sudden shift in circumstance. Leaving Morgan and Garcia to comfort each other and Emily to her privacy Rossi approaches Hotch.

"I should call his father. I wouldn't even know how to explain this is his Mom."

Standing at his side, keeping his hands firmly in his pockets Rossi keeps his gaze forward.

"Maybe hold off on that." Off Hotch's look he adds. "I somehow doubt you're going to get the reaction you want."

Hotch nods in acceptance that Rossi knows exactly what he's thinking.

"He's going to be alright."

"You don't know that." Hotch sighs.

"Yes we do," Rossi counters, "he's going to be alright and you know why? Because I'm not missing an opportunity to kill the twerp myself for putting me through this crap again. I'm serious! In case you hadn't noticed I'm old. My physician says I need less stress in my life. The kid gives me reason for a heart attack every day of the week!"

His tirade peeled to an end upon hearing the muffled snort to his left. Hotch's smile doesn't quite reach his eyes, but Rossi is glad to see something other than abject desolation on his friend's face. He needs to try for himself as well, otherwise he'll end up blubbering alongside Garcia.

"In any case how often do we get to call that boy an idiot?"

"Not often," Hotch swipes a hand over his face, voice thready "I'm okay." He assures before Rossi can ask.

Dave's looking at him sideways on and can see he's lying. "Sure you are. About as okay as I am with the kid being in the hospital. Idiot or not."

Hotch nods, clearly not daring to speak and Rossi really doesn't know what to do or say next. He's never seen Aaron quite this out of sorts before.

"I want to call Jack." He says out of the blue. "but right now I don't think I'll be able to speak to Haley without her knowing something's wrong."

"JJ wanted to call home before didn't she?" Rossi guesses, Hotch slides him a sideways look but waves him off, telling him not to answer.

"When Garcia told us Reid had altered in the ambulance I…" he cuts himself off.

"It's okay. They understand." They - not we, because Rossi was old enough and experienced enough, and damn-it stoic enough that he doesn't need to be told why stopping the madman trying to infect the city was their number one priority, over worrying about their friend. Knowing he knows and accepts that just plain sucks sometimes.

"Is it?" Hotch turns pinning him with his glare. "I had to order Morgan and Garcia to forget about Reid until we caught this son of a bitch. What if something had happened? I would never have forgiven myself."

"You didn't order them to forget. You ordered them to focus on what they could do to help. Worry isn't helpful."

Hotch snorted and kicked at the floor. "How very pragmatic of me."

"Aaron you need to cut yourself some slack," Rossi chilled, "you did what you needed to do at the time. You wanted to be there for Reid. You're doing that now. Believe me out of all of us I think Reid would be the most okay with that."

"He'd be okay because despite being a part of this team for six years he's not yet got it into his head that he doesn't have to do everything alone."

"True. But I actually meant he'd see it as the logical choice and accept it."

"Even if it were one of us and not him?"

Rossi opened his mouth to say absolutely then swiftly shut it again. Reid was infuriatingly complex sometimes and this is one of those times where he's 99 percent sure he knows the answer, but the possibility is Reid would throw a spanner in the works and go the opposite way. He could be unpredictable like that sometimes. Always switching from one side to the other like he can't stop his mind from coming up with reasons for everything. That's probably why he likes math and is so good at the logic stuff. It makes sense to him. Emotions don't.

"I'll get back to you on that one."

Hotch smirks like he's achieved something special. Rossi's about to tell him where he can put that smirk when a nurse approaches.

"Reid family?"

They share a look and Rossi watches Hotch settle the emotions of just minutes ago, burying them deep below the mask of professionalism before nodding following. Morgan charges forward to join Hotch, while he waits for the girls to catch up, more than happy to be the last in the room. Despite his words Dave isn't eager to be the first in and take the full surprise of just how bad off their kid is.

"Oh," Garcia's voice travels back to him.

Stepping through the door takes longer and is harder than Rossi thought possible, but he joins the rest surrounding Reid. The kid's lying flat out on the bed, oxygen mask in place, looking as pale as his sheets, eyes twitching under dark bruised, closed lids.

No one moves, too afraid to breath for fear that'll upset the delicate balance all five of them were trying to maintain. Someone coughs and Hotch talks first.

"Reid, can you hear me?"

The kid immediately opens his eyes. Surprise clear, his young face settles into relief at seeing them, but the brief flash dissolves too soon, replaced by open vulnerability. One uncoordinated hand removes the oxygen and dry lips try to speak, but the aphasia is still affecting him and nonsense is all they can hear, making those sad round glassy eyes only sadder, rounder and glassier.

Luckily Hotch knows exactly what to do to stop it and taking Reid's hand in his replaces the mask, quietly shushing him.

"It's okay, don't try and speak, you're going to be fine Reid, you hear me?"

Rossi can see from his stare that no, he couldn't hear. He wasn't understanding much beyond the pain, the confusion and the fact they were there. Hotch's resolve was waning under the pressure, his stern take charge exterior breaking down faster than a freight train and unlike in the corridor there was nowhere to go, no reason or excuse good enough to run from the room and never look back.

Looking around the little room Garcia was still crying silently by Morgan's side, both where standing slightly behind Hotch. Emily was pushed back against the wall, trying to look anywhere but at the bed. Reid was staring at them, looking even more child-like than usual. And him, he was standing by just watching it happen. The world was spinning out of control.

Passivity could only go so far. It was time to step up, make a move, do something to stop this family, these people he'd claimed as his own over the past two years, who'd claimed him, from falling apart and breaking away into pieces too small to put back together.

"He's going to be okay," Rossi declares stepping closer to the bed, slotting himself between the bed and the window on the opposite side to Hotch, joining them all in looking down on the kid.

"Rossi -"

"Morgan" Dave warned, cutting him off, telling him with a pointed glare to can his pessimism for once. Catching Hotch shaking his head in despair Rossi upped his game. "The kid doesn't need to see you all crying over him."

Dave moved closer to the bed, beckoning Emily forward to join the rest of them. Taking Reid's other hand in his, since Hotch hadn't let go yet, he clicked his fingers in front of the kid's wide confused eyes and demanded attention. Like a cat following a piece of string Reid followed and stared at him with a mixture of sadness and hope.

"Spencer, listen to me," Rossi ran his free hand through the sweat soaked fringe, brushing it off his face. "When you're well and on your feet again we are having a serious talk about you wandering off into anthrax exposed laboratories."

There was a beat of silence, where everyone in the room collectively held their breath, then Reid giggled. Shoulders shaking, a small smile formed underneath the mask.

Morgan shook his head. "We sure that's not morphine in that drip?"

"Absolutely," Hotch nodded with a watery smile.

...

It's late. Well early, depending on how you view it. The shadows on the wall are creeping closer but Hotch can't bring himself to leave again. Morgan had settled in the second they entered the new room, the one not in ICU, making his intentions clear the only way he was leaving the hospital now was with Reid.

Hotch had left with the others a couple of hours ago after finally getting the good news. Against all odds, Reid had picked up considerably since their arrival earlier that afternoon. So much so that Dr. Kuma had been confident enough with his progress to tell them, though a relapse was always possible, Reid should make a full recovery. There wasn't a lot in his life that could top hearing those words.

So leaving Reid with Morgan watching over him he'd given Garcia a ride home, closed up the case back at the office with the others, and finally spoken to Jack. Now he was back at the hospital, having very little to go home too and oddly enough not wanting to be alone.

"Hotch?" Reid murmured, eyes closed.

"I'm here Reid." Aaron calmly leaned forward and patted the still sleeping kid's cold hand lying lax across his chest.

Reid had already woken several times since he'd arrived, each time he'd been a little more coherent, able to not only recognise him and Morgan, but also say their names.

"Ho'ch. Hotch!"

Recognising the panicked cries as a precursor to a nightmare Hotch didn't bother trying to talk and made soothing sounds instead, hoping to calm Reid down enough to lull him into a deeper, more restful sleep. Something similar he'd done with Jack when he'd had colic. He was drawing the line at singing though.

It's funny, he's been a father for over three years now and frankly still feels wholly inadequate for the responsibility of a child. Though some would say being the unit chief of the BAU should have prepared him well, but the reality of having someone totally dependent on him was something else. The same people would likely also say he must have been crazy to let a kid join the FBI's elite team of profiles, but then he'd tell them he agreed. Reid joining hadn't been his choice, and chances are if it had been he'd never have allowed it. For this very reason - seeing him hurt just hurt everyone else too damn much.

Eventually Reid settled again, breathing evening out and Hotch sat back, contemplating his worth as Reid's self-appointed guardian in Morgan's absence, having ordered Derek to get a coffee and something to eat before continuing with his vigil.

Orders. That's what he did earlier. He ordered his team to focus, to leave Reid with those that could help him. Looking at him now, seeming so small and vulnerable in the large hospital bed Hotch hadn't a clue how he'd done it.

Without warning Reid rolled over to face him, hands nestling under his chin. Hotch reached out and stroked his hair. "We didn't mean to leave you alone."

Reid's eyes snapped open and Hotch snatched his hand back in surprise. By the sleepy half lidded expression, he doubted Reid had a clue it had been him stroking his hair just now, but then again, this was Reid he was talking about.

They stared at each other a few more seconds before the kid blinked a few times, rubbing the sleep out of his eyes.

"I was having a nightmare." He said uncensored.

Hotch waited for more, but apparently that was all he had to say to explain his sudden return to consciousness.

"Reid do you remember what happened?"

The kid took a second, eyes traveling the room before nodding.

"Are you going to yell at me too?" Reid asked around a yawn, speech clear yet still slurred, whether from sleep or the aphasia he couldn't determine.

"Yell at you?" Hotch asked openly.

Eyes blinking again, forcing consciousness forward Reid reaches out.

"Rossi yelled at me."

"He was really worried about you, we all were." Hotch takes his hand, surprised by the strong grip.

"I understand." Reid forces the words out, his tongue sluggish still, making it seem like hard work.

"Understand what Reid?"

"You weren't" he swallows, eyes closing again. "Here."

He's sure Reid meant it as comforting, but all his forgiveness did was break Hotch's heart.

"I'm sorry." Reid said clocking his look even in his clearly exhausted state.

It actual came out 'sowy' and Hotch couldn't help it, he laughed, which made Reid frown, so Hotch sort to quickly rectify that.

Resting a hand on one protruding shoulder he said, "No I'm sorry."

That was it for consciousness though it seemed, smiling his acceptance Reid's eye lids fell closed and stayed that way.

Just as Hotch was brushing away the hair that had once again fallen in his eyes, thanks to all the moving about, the door behind them opened.

"Caught ya,"

"I was just..."

"Aaron come on," Rossi steps up to the bed giving Hotch a look

Huffing a sigh, he doesn't bother to stop, finishing what he started. "I thought this time we'd really lost him."

"You do know it's not a character flaw to lose it now and again." Dave tells him in all honestly, tone naturally patronizing.

"I can't lead this team effectively if I can't separate home from work."

"Unless I'm mistaken that's exactly what you managed today,"

"And I hate myself for it." Hotch pinned Rossi with a look.

Reid's childishness ignited a protective streak in them all, but honestly not one Hotch had truly been conscious of himself until his kidnapping by Tobias Hankle two years ago. Now every time Reid is injured on the job it's all he thinks about. This time being no exception.

"Aaron this is the job, the minute you stop caring about the lies we tell and the secrets we protect that's when you can truly hate yourself." Rossi is stern. "We nearly lost our kid today, we are allowed to hate and vent and cry a little."

"You know I second that." Morgan strolled in, looking fresher than he had a right to be.

Hotch saw Dave exchange a look with Morgan over his head. "What's going on?"

"I'm here to take you home, it's been a long day Aaron you need a break."

"No Morgan's been here all day, I'll stay."

"Man I'm fine, you know I'm not that much older than the kid here,"

"Since when has 'over a decade' been not much?" Rossi laughed.

"Hey shut up man, I'm on your side." Morgan griped, hooking a chair with his leg and pulling it closer to the bed. "Hotch, you look like crap go home and get some sleep, you know Reid's going to need you tomorrow to help him break out of here."

Conceding the truth of his words, Reid really would need him tomorrow, and the next day, and the day after that. "What about you?"

Morgan lifted his feet, resting them on the corner of Reid's bed. "Me, I can go all night."

The stares from both himself and Rossi must have said it all because Morgan laughed before leaning back, closing his eyes.

Hotch stood and with Rossi leading the way walked partway towards the door before quickly turning back. "He's been having nightmares so don't leave him alone."

"Man if you think I'm going anywhere without him." Derek answers without opening his eyes.

Hotch nods, grateful for the understanding and grasps Derek's shoulder, "Call me if anything changes."

Morgan promises he will with a nod, relaxing as much as anyone can in a hospital chair he waves the pair goodbye. Hotch takes one last look at the kid in the bed, tucking the sheets securely around him, and with one final pat to the blanket cover hip precedes Rossi out of the room.

Finally, he thinks he can sleep.


	6. The Gathering S8

"Morgan?"

Derek stops his eager to leave jog and backs up to the open office door. Poking his head inside Hotch is sitting, expression complex. He sees his own case report open on the desk.

"You want to know about Reid."

...

Reid is sitting at the counter, head down festive coffee cup placed untouched, still steaming in front of him. Through the dirt streaked glass Hotch can see the sadness consuming him, it's in his eyes, in the way he slumps over the counter, arms wrapped loosely around his own rib cage. A familiar sight recently, only the ghost of a memory of the smile that once lit up his young face.

It will take time. Everyone had said it. Not the kind of time like it had taken to find him, to ensure his safety tonight. The time needed to get used to the idea of someone being there then suddenly not was different, it was routine, it was... never ending. Hotch was still experiencing the kind of time it took not to hurt, to be okay with missing a loved one.

Having seen enough to be confident Reid would be turning up to work tomorrow morning he could just leave. Leave him alone to his despair, to work through the pain of loss just like he and Gideon, Rossi and Morgan, JJ and Prentiss had misguidedly taught him to do. But they'd tried the grownup approach, more than once. Hotch can't think of one occasion it had actually worked.

The bell above the door chimes, but Reid's the only one who doesn't move, doesn't react to the latest late night visitor to an establishment whose existence was a staple for loneliness. The dying Christmas tree in the corner was an especially poignant touch. Sliding into the seat next to him gets Hotch a startled sideways glance, one quickly averted the second Reid recognizes his neighbour.

There's a question in his eyes and Hotch answers it.

"You're not that hard to profile."

It covers more than the words suggest. It says we know you, we love you and we're worried about you. It says all that and more, and by his reaction Hotch knows it's understood. Reid smiles, not his wide room lighting grin that cheers up even the grumpiest of unit chiefs on slow paperwork days. This ones softer, sadder, but no less real, which lets Hotch know he really is ok. Not great. But ok. Dealing with the situation, the cards he's been drawn, cards even he couldn't count and predict.

The head drops again, the smile disappears. Hotch resists the sigh he feels building in his chest, like acid re-flux, burning his lungs to get out. Shuffling the stool closer, close enough to feel the heat radiating off Reid's skinny body, close enough to feel his boney hip through the thick winter duffle coat that Hotch is sure he's had since a teen in college given the way the sleeves ride up. A seconds hesitation is all there is, Reid leans into him and Hotch lifts his arm, gripping one thin shoulder. He can't make time move faster, but he can ensure he's not alone, they can spend that time together.


	7. Entropy S11

His feet scruff the dirt, tear-filled gaze tracking the marks he's making. A shadow blocks out the moonlight. Head flicks up, panic reaching its peak, he's in no state to fight and doesn't think he has the energy to make flight. But then through the tears he's still refusing to let fall Reid recognises the coat and the stance of the tall dark haired man standing over him, late at night in a deserted play park.

"How'd you know where to find me?"

Hotch grins sadly, the smile not quite meeting his eyes, but crinkling them all the same. Reid's still looking at him in shock or surprise, he can't be sure which. Putting him at ease Hotch steps forward and takes the swing next to his.

"Garcia called." He says softly, staring at the floor, making the same tracks in the dirt that Reid was so focused on before he got there. "She's worried about you."

Reid looks up, flashes a wide smile. "Garcia's drunk."

"Have you ever tried bargaining with a drunk Garcia?" Hotch shoots back, meeting his gaze. "She's not the only one worried." He adds, leading, hoping to get him talking.

"I know," Reid quickly turns away, "I was going to tell you all, I mean I wanted to but when you called the emergency briefing- "

"Reid, Reid," Hotch reaches out, grabbing his arm holding him tight, "I didn't mean it like that."

Reid looks down, embarrassed.

"I'm sorry," Hotch waits for his reaction, allows the lip quirk at the memory to settle. "Not for not understanding, for not asking. I never imagined- "

"That's okay," Reid nods vigorously, "Never did I."

The nervous laugh gives him away, it's the last straw. Hotch stands, Reid doesn't move. His head is still down staring at his feet. He's trying not to cry and Aaron doesn't hesitate.

Reid feels the twin hands on him, picking him up out of the swing, but like when Morgan pulled him close earlier Spencer doesn't resist, he welcomes it. The touch of the familiar, someone who knows and loves him is so powerful it has him falling into Hotch's arms and clinging on for dear life.

"Spencer I know this seems scary right now," Aaron swallows, breathing deeply, feeling unable to speak the words, but as Reid nods face pressing hard against his shoulder he knows he has to try. "We all love you, and we'll always be there for you. No matter what."

Hotch squeezes tighter and Spencer finally let's the tears fall.


	8. Revelations S2

Work it out

"Let's get you out of here."

Morgan watches Reid hesitantly place his arm over Gideon's shoulder then move away again.

"Can I have a minute alone."

He wants to believe he hasn't heard right, but sure enough Gideon steps away, leaving the kid supporting himself doggedly on one foot. Despite the successful outcome an air of failure surrounds them, leaving Morgan feeling suffocated. He can't put his finger on it, why this rescue seems so hollow and unfulfilling. Maybe because it isn't a rescue. Not really. They've saved him from the cold, not the unsub. The gun Reid used to end an life still warm and smouldering lying on the ground. The locals despondently check the area, ensuring Tobias was alone like they'd profiled, but to be honest he senses everyone is glad not to have to watch the FBI Agent they'd failed to reach in time pull himself together enough to walk out of there. One look and anyone could see it wasn't over, the damage was done and far more extensive than they could imagine possible. Bottom line, there was nothing to celebrate here -just mistakes to live with.

JJ flit through his mind and he looks around, but only Prentiss is behind him. Gideon gone somewhere. Morgan realises he's been lost in his head so long he hadn't noticed Reid standing alone now, waiting for someone to help. Jumping into action Derek runs over quickly, taking one skinny arm over his shoulder helping Reid walk up the hill, back towards the cabin. As the shack comes into view Morgan could feel Reid tense beside him, the strong smell of sweat, urine and vomit he could easily ignore, but the fear, no that wasn't so easy. He hated that Reid was still afraid.

"Just a couple of more steps, kid." Morgan encouraged.

Reid nods at his side, not talking and Derek isn't pushing.

Hotch steps in front of them all of sudden, a medic standing beside him which explains where he went so quickly. Reid rears back at the sight of the stranger. Gripping his arm tighter Morgan tries to stop him from running, but it seems it didn't have to worry, Hotch was all ready for the reaction.

"Reid," Hotch's hands fit gently over Morgan's, both men now taking a firm hold. "Reid we need to get you to hospital."

Reid shakes his head, hair flying everywhere. "No, no I'm fine- "

"I'm sorry," Hotch tells him firmly and slowly, doing his best to get Reid to look him in the eye. "This is non-negotiable."

Reid's breath hitches, a sob making it out. Morgan closes his eyes to keep his own tears at bay, he needs to be strong now more than ever. When he opens them again Derek discovers Hotch looking at him head on and sees he's struggling just as much as him.

"Hotch and I are both going with you," Morgan says, keeping his gaze fixed on Hotch. "You won't be alone."

Hotch nods gratefully, they need to be strong for each other as much as Reid needs them right now.

…

Reid rolls over, Tobias is chasing him, he's escaped, but somehow Charles Hankel has found him and wants his head. The corn is high, too high, taller than him and he can't see, it's dark, so dark and he wants to cry, call out, have someone show him the way, he needs help, he needs help now, he wants-

"HOTCH!"

Reid shoots up in bed, sweat dripping from his brow and stinging his eyes. Panting from exhaustion, like he's run a marathon on the hottest day of the year, he doesn't even realise he's hyperventilating until hands grab his shoulders and pull him close.

"I'm here, I'm here, you're safe." The voice soothes, sounding just as scared as him, and just as out of breath.

"I'm sorry," Reid sniffs, voice breaking now he realises Hotch is the one holding him tight, hugging the crap out of him in some dark little room that smells of antiseptic.

Memories assault him one by one and he cries harder. Reid apologies and Hotch tells him not to be silly and instead of letting go like he probably should have by now, the standard time for a friendly hug definitely reached, Hotch clings to him tighter rocking him back and forth, keeping his head pressed into his neck, intentionally or not muffling his continued sobbing which Reid really can't stop. His whole body aches, he feels sick to his stomach and has an unending sense of doom which he can feel deep down inside to the pit of his stomach, he just wants to die and be at peace, but the thought only makes him cry harder. What the hell is happening to him?

…

 _ **Four hours earlier…**_

"Hotch where is he?" JJ storms up the corridor to where the unit chief is standing tall, deep in conversation with a doctor.

Hotch glances her way, but quickly returns his focus to the man before him, offering his hand with a sad smile before the lab coat wearing doctor walks away.

When he turns it isn't just JJ looking at him expectantly, Prentiss and Garcia have joined the group and he can see Gideon moving down the corridor not far behind. Assessing the situation, glancing back at the closed door Hotch makes an executive decision and raising his fingers to his lips indicates the need for quiet. The group of five enter the darkened room and each make their way inside with baited breath, the new arrivals not knowing what to expect. Hotch nods at Morgan who'd remained with Reid while he'd stepped out with the doctor, but now they were all here it was probably as good as time as any to fill them in.

With a glance at Reid, eyes closed, lying flat out on the bed Hotch begins to share what the doctors have found.

"Bottom line, he's going to be okay we should be able to take him home tomorrow." Hotch gives out the good news first.

"What's the bad news?" Prentiss asks, chewing on her finger nail like her life depends on it.

Hotch shares a look with Morgan before addressing the group. "Tobias gave him at least three doses of his own Dilaudid mix in the last 48 hours."

"Oh god." Garcia's hands cover her face.

"Well what does that mean?" JJ asks, desperately, "He'll still be okay right?"

"He'll get better, but the next few hours will be hard, he'll start experiencing withdrawal symptoms." Hotch informs them all sadly. "So it'll be best if you all to get a room for the night."

"What about you?" Garcia asks.

"I'm staying." Hotch says firmly, sounding scared even to his own ears.

"So am I." Morgan say plainly.

"No," Hotch pins him and anyone else he thinks may argue with a stern look. "I'm going to see him through this. He'll need you, all of you tomorrow."

"Hotch is right," Prentiss reasons seeing what he isn't saying. "Withdrawal isn't pretty, he'll need us all to support him through this and that's not going to happen if he's too embarrassed thinking we've all witnessed him at his worst."

"Morgan you know he'll struggle." JJ joined Prentiss' camp.

Hotch nods at them in thanks, although he secretly thinks their relieved. It's hard to forget and put anything behind you when the memory plays in technicolour in your head. But he's the unit chief, dealing with the problem and the upset is part of his job, part of taking care of his team.

"I'll call with an update in the morning, get checked in, get some rest." Hotch instructs, opening the door.

Each file out, Morgan last, "You need someone to take over I'll be here."

Hotch nods his thanks and once everyone's gone turns back to Reid, completely ignoring the tear running unchecked down his own cheek.

...

 _ **Now...**_

"What's wrong with me?" Reid manages to form the words despite still being crushed against Hotch's chest.

"Nothing's wrong with you Reid." Hotch breaths into his hair. "It's withdrawal from the Dilaudid, you're going to be okay I promise."

Something in Reid's body changes. "You're crying?"

The tone spoke of surprise, hesitant like he thinks maybe he's hallucinating, which if this was anyone but Reid he wouldn't worry too much about.

"I am." Hotch admits, trying to steady his own voice.

"Why?"

Hotch laughs, and hugs the stupid kid to him tighter. Spencer didn't ask him again.


	9. Nelson's Sparrow S10

_"Even harder to play a ghost"_

He hears the car just as Agent Sharp is covering the body. There's no mistaking the clunk of the old engine as it's driver brings it to a stop. Soft footfalls make their way slowly through the damp leaves and Reid enters the cabin moments later. Hotch sees the unconcealed tears and puts as much strength and reassurance into his gaze as he can manage, but knows it's not enough. Garcia and Morgan appear next, Penelope predictively asking for confirmation.

"It's Gideon."

Reid bolts. Pushing passed Morgan he's out the door and into the night the second the damning words are spoken. Collectively all gazes turn to him and Aaron breathes deeply. Not a sigh. A sigh would mean defeat or maybe frustration. No he breathes to stave off the impending anxiety, anxiety he knows they are all feeling because even Morgan is looking to him, asking him to do something to fix this. Any other day if Reid had run out the room upset Derek Morgan would be the first to go after him but tonight he's as shocked and as frozen as the rest of them.

"I'll go." Kate speaks up. Out of all them she looks the most unsure, understandable since she isn't feeling this loss as personally as the rest of them.

"No, it's okay." Hotch nods, trying to smile politely but unsure if he really pulls it off judging by her nervous shrug. He knows she's only offering out of the need to do something helpful. "Everyone take a few minutes."

Stepping out of the cabin he hoped to have found Reid sitting on the bottom of the wooden steps, or at least in his car, certain that his escape was so they didn't see him cry. But on searching the immediate area and not finding their wayward young friend Hotch's heart sank. Reid's car was still parked, as were the others, so wherever he's gone it was on foot. Unprepared for a hike into the woods in the dark Aaron toys with the idea of going back inside to enlist some help but quickly nixes that idea. Grief can cause all manner of conflicting emotions, the last thing the team needs is to fallout over Reid's little disappearing act.

"Agent Hotchner?"

Hotch, hovering in the middle of the dirt driveway focused on getting a sense of which way Reid went, turns to see Agent Sharp and the Sheriffs deputy who'd first greeted them.

"The area's secure?"

"We've set up the road blocks. I need to go interview the nearest neighbours." Sharp informs before moving toward her own vehicle.

"There's only the one road in and out, but if our guys on foot..." The deputy shrugs, expecting them to have already realised that possibility given Gideon was clearly taken by surprise.

Hotch frowns, staring dead ahead into the dark mass of trees and who knew how many trails where murders could escape - or hide.

 _Damn you Reid._

Stepping over a fallen log Hotch thanks the deputy and makes his way along the most accessible route, deciding to enter the woods at the point directly across from the cabin's entrance. Reid wouldn't have planned his little trek and in all likelihood ran out the door and just kept going.

Coming upon a small clearing, cabin still visible behind him even in the dark, Hotch turns a full 360. Through the sparse trees the night sky is morphing into a lighter blue, a hint of orange forming on the horizon. The sun would be rising soon. He hadn't gone far but was amazed the others hadn't come looking for them yet.

"What the hell am I doing?" Hotch whispers to himself, looking heavenward.

"Good question."

Hotch spins, reaching for his weapon, finding his aim ready to shoot.

"Damnit Reid!" Aaron lowers his gun immediately.

Reid matches his move by lowering his gaze. "Sorry, I didn't mean to scare you."

"Which time? By running off when there's an unsub on the loose or sneaking up on someone with a loaded weapon?"

The angry tone gets him nowhere of course. Reid takes a couple of steps back, creating plenty of distance between them while wrapping both arms around his chest like a shield. Kid doesn't argue though, which tells Hotch Reid knows he's been a idiot. Not seeing any benefit to lament on the subject of basic safety right now, remembering exactly why he'd not sort the assistance of the others in the first place Hotch holds out his hand.

"Come on, we need to head back before the others find out you're missing."

Reid hesitates, making the move to step forward only to rock back on his heels. His hand reaches out in an instinctual mirroring action so when cool finger tips brush his Hotch snatches the opportunity. Encircling his fingers around one skinny wrist he pulls Reid forward, and dragging him along retraces his path through the trees back to Gideon's cabin. They emerge only seconds before Morgan steps out on the porch.

"Hey, everything okay out here?"

Hotch looks Reid over, only then noticing he's yet to let go of the kids wrist. He doesn't want to. Fear that Reid will run off again at the forefront of his mind. But knowing he can't keep him on a leash forever Hotch swaps wrist for shoulder and guilds Reid over to his car. He wasn't making anyone go back into the cabin tonight.

...

"How's the kid?"

Morgan really doesn't know how to answer.

He and Reid had been through a lot over the past eleven years, but Morgan could count on one hand how many times he'd actually seen Reid cry. The kid was resilient. Walking into the morgue Derek knew that resilience wasn't going to keep him together this time. Hell he wasn't sure he'd be able to keep it together.

Listening to ME describe Gideon's final moments Morgan had thought back. After leaving the way he did, he'd sometimes imagined to what end Gideon would come. Turned out his imagination wasn't far off. As much as he wished differently, he very much doubted Gideon would ever comprehend the pain he caused and think to make amends. The man was infuriatingly obtuse when it came to others feelings and it annoyed him that Reid was standing next to him now, as silent as he had been in the car, crying over a man who in the end clearly didn't give a damn about him.

That didn't matter right now though. Watching tears trail slowly down fever flushed cheeks he couldn't tell if Reid was actually getting sick or if the past few hours had just pushed him beyond his emotional limits. Trying his best to offer comfort was a challenge because as much as he wanted to coddle the kid he also needed Reid to know he couldn't run away again. They needed him to solve this, they needed to not worry about him.

Looking at Rossi's worn and weathered features he realises his instincts were correct. They're all going to have to band together to get through this, neither one of them strong enough to carry their own grief alone. He rationalises it shouldn't be this hard. Gideon's been gone years. But being gone and being dead are two different things.

 _How's the kid?_

"Not great, but he'll get his head back in the game."

...

"Just coffee please." Hotch really wasn't in the mood for any small town hospitality but managed to keep his tone polite. "So how's Reid doing?"

"Well he's not made anymore escape attempts if that's what you mean." Rossi forces a grin.

"I'm not sure how to handle him." Hotch sighs, unsurprised that Rossi knew about their little excursion this morning.

"Right now I don't think we'll have to. Kid knows we're all hurting, he knows acting out now won't help us catch this son of a bitch."

"But what happens after we catch him?"

Reid, Kate and Morgan file in then, breaking the contemplative silence and bombard them with new information. Reid's first to offer his quick fire hypothesis about the library books, followed by Kate with Morgan summing things up. If it wasn't for the agitated sharpness of Reid's words, or the heavy sadness in Morgan's tone it's almost like any other case.

...

"Do we have a problem?"

Hotch's guttural voice filled the modest kitchenette they called their break room, and at first Rossi declined to respond, choosing instead to focus on stirring his sugarless coffee. Then Aaron stepped closer, his imposing presence closing in until they were standing side by side, demanding an answer to what should be a very simple question.

"Problem?" Rossi mimics continuing to stir, forming a mini whirlpool in his imported Lavazza.

"With Reid." Hotch spoke plainly leaning forward, intense stare fixed and unrelenting.

Dave could only ignore him for so long before the pressure from that stare produced a physical burning sensation between his eyes. "He's grieving."

He holds back the rest. Grief was only a small part of a much larger conundrum where Spencer was concerned, and honestly he really didn't want to get into it. Like a feather duster that doesn't really clean just moves the dust around, talking would only push the problem to some other corner of the mind. Dave cared for each and everyone of his BAU family, past and present, but something about Gideon's passing was still gnawing at him and he knew it was gnawing at Reid too.

Reaching for and pouring his own coffee from the recently filled pot in silence Hotch waits until Rossi's about to leave the room to release a pent up sigh.

"I'm worried about him." Shoulders dropping with the admission Aaron moves to sit at the empty table.

Rossi had one foot out into the bullpen before the sigh stopped him in his tracks and had him turning back around to join him.

"I am to. But I don't see we can do anything but wait it out."

A sense of _de ja vu_ overwhelms them. They were back in Roanoke, only thing missing was the offer of pie.

"He's so...so... sad."

Rossi nodded. _Sad_ describes Spencer's presentation of late perfectly. He isn't outright crying or anything, not anymore, but his eyes have lost their mischievous spark.

"It's normal." Dave tries to make the words sound believable.

Features heavy with worry and what looked to be nowhere near enough sleep Hotch meets his own troubled gaze head on and calls him out on the lie. "No. This isn't."

"So?" Rossi throws back, blowing air through gritted teeth. "What can we do?"

"If I knew I wouldn't be asking you."

"Thanks for the compliment." He chuckles, taking a long sip of his cooling coffee. "You're the team leader, don't the FBI have manuals for this kind of thing?"

"For employees." Hotch groans. "Reid isn't just my employee he's-"

Rossi watches Hotch choke on his words. The pressure of being both a supervisor and father weighing unequally on his shoulders.

"Reid's family. We all are. Even Gideon. Which is why this is so damn hard. Losing someone on the job is hard, but knowing Gideon chose to go after Mallick by himself instead of swallowing his pride and asking for our help?"

Rossi cut off there, already he'd said too much.

"You're the one trying to protect him." Hotch casually points out.

Rossi chuckles softly. "Touché."

They share a sad telling smile, but the good humour dissolves quickly.

"How's he doing, really? I've tried talking to him but..." Hotch cuts off this time.

"I wish I knew. I do. He won't talk to me either."

"Morgan said the same." Hotch nods sadly.

And with the weight of those words hanging between them, they lapse into silence.

To avoid staring into his near empty coffee mug while Hotch finishes off his Rossi's gaze travels out into the main office. Nobody else is in yet, only them and the cleaning staff. Checking his watch it reads a little after 6:30am and he shares that knowledge with his likeminded friend sitting opposite. They've both been frequenting the office at a much earlier hour of late, but sharing one look confirms neither wanted to discuss it.

"So how bad do you think?" Hotch asks standing ready to start a new work day.

"On a Reid scale of one to ten?" Rossi pauses for effect, eyeing Hotch over his mug before taking his last sip. "Eleven."

Hotch laughs, a cold and empty sound that dies quickly as they make their way out of the break room and up the bullpen stairs. "I know he's not been sleeping."

"Not sleeping, eating, you name it he's not doing it." And the anger Rossi felt about that, how poorly the kid is treating himself, suddenly bubbles to the surface. "You know for a genius he can be incredibly stupid sometimes."

"I think when faced with something we don't want to deal with the minds instinct is to regress to familiar coping mechanisms. Reid handles loss the same way he does change."

"Badly." Rossi grabs the door handle to his office, dreading what the day might bring them.

"He's pulling away from us just like he did after we closed the Doyle case." Hotch's lip pull into a tight line, preventing any more words falling out about that unfortunately situation.

"And Blake... Maeve." Rossi adds for balance.

"Honestly, I don't know how to pull him back in this time."

Hotch said it so matter of fact Rossi wanted nothing more than Gideon alive and well in front of him so he could kill the selfish bastard all over again for the pain and suffering he was causing.

"He feels abandoned," Rossi agrees. "You know, he told me on the way to the bomb shelter he'd come to terms with Gideon leaving, knowing he was still out there was enough. But now -" Rossi paused, features twisting in sudden realization before settling into something a little more confident. "Actually, let me handle this."

"Got something in mind?" Hotch asks, obviously surprised by the U-turn.

"Kind of," Rossi hums, trying to keep his expression neutral "but it won't work if he's on high alert with all of us trying to coddle him."

Hotch stares him down, but he isn't he only one around here with a hell of a poker face. "Okay, I'll tell Morgan and the others to back off. For now."

The order was clear. Solves this. Please, for all our sakes.

"I know," Rossi meets his concerned gaze head on. "I promise I'll let you know as soon as I do."

With that Dave opened his office door and flicked on the light. A renewed sense of hope replacing that part of him that just wasn't yet settled with the way things had turn out.

...

 _"I'd just really like to play one more game of chess with him. [ ] I knew he was always out there and now it just feels empty."_

 _"Yeah. I know. But time will past and slowly you'll forget how much it hurts. And maybe you'll find something else to fill that empty space."_

 _"I don't want to find something else."_

"Reid, what you working late?"

Spencer looks up, startled.

"Just waiting for rush hour to subside, a lot of close personal contact on the subway right now."

Dave smiles softly, listening to the lame excuse before debunking it. He wanted to order him out now, or better yet drag Reid home with him, but knew despite the open vulnerability from being rumbled that it wouldn't work. So he left like he had every night this week since his early morning conversation with Hotch, with an affectionate 'goodnight Spencer'. Leaving Reid there alone each night was one of the hardest things he's had to do in a long while, but leave him he did. His guilt and worry sated from knowing the worst the kid was going to do was stay up late, drink too much coffee and play chess.

Walking through glass double doors and into the elevator Reid's voice was running on a loop in his head. Rossi had finally worked out what had been gnawing at him. He'd questioned his friendship with Gideon, how could he not? But it wasn't until he remembered the kid's words in the car did he realise he and the kid had something else in common. They were both angry with Gideon for unfinished business.

When the kid snapped at him, making it clear he didn't want anything replacing Gideon he'd meant it. Meant it in the hurt and angry way kid's often did when unable to label their feelings. Rossi was the same, only he certainly wasn't a kid anymore and could identify the feeling of betrayal just fine. His problem had been denial. Denial that his friendship with Gideon had broken. Denial that he didn't blame Gideon for that. He was angry, just like he knew Reid was, angry at Gideon for dying before giving him the closure he hadn't until now realised he needed.

Reid was a resilient kid alright and Rossi had no doubts he'd be just fine with or without his help. But what Dave wanted Spencer to realise was that he already had something to fill that empty space. At least Rossi hoped that's what he's spent the last seven years doing.

...

Case over, boarding the Jet home was the easy part. Spencer avoided making it look like he'd purposely set himself away from the others by being the last to climb the stairs, compounding that further by choosing the single seat at the rear instead of his customary couch where the rest had gathered around. He had no need for the couch since he had no need for sleep at the moment. Or rather sleep had no need for him. With sleep came the dreams and with the dreams came nightmares and with the nightmares... well that was what Spencer wanted to avoid period, but especially on the jet in front of his friends.

A good way into the flight Reid was successfully avoiding sleep and his teammates by focusing all his energy and attention on the chessboard before him. Then David Rossi sauntered down the aisle, scotch in hand and Reid knew this would be his final move.

Rossi obviously had a sense that he wasn't alright, even before catching him with the chessboard in the precinct conference room earlier in the day. Hell Reid knew he wasn't alright, but he still needed to keep up the pretence the sake of his own sanity if nothing else. Emotional denial was a pretty powerful coping mechanism at the end of the day.

Caught out by a stupid cardigan, Reid had known his 'just got carried away excuse' was pitiful but couldn't think of a better lie at the time. Why bother anyway? Rossi was a profiler and could spot an untruth at twenty paces. Plus he no longer had the energy to keep up the ruse, too ashamed by his own juvenile behaviour of late. How is it he can stand in front of an entire police force with his colleagues giving a profile, yet can't deal with his own wayward emotions on any serious level? He was coping with this no better than a pre-schooler on his first day and Reid hated himself for it.

Having mentally braced himself for Rossi to call him out on the façade, unsure at the time whether he'd end up simply running from the room or god forbid, breaking down into tears, Reid had waited. And waited. And waited. Then something changed, the atmosphere lifted and Rossi asked him about the case.

Despite the narrow escape then, he'd been under no illusion going forward the matter was closed between them. Reid knew, eventually he'd be telling the older man the truth behind his insane marathon chess game. But then Rossi had also been Gideon's friend, and a small part of Spencer thought, out of anyone, he might understand. Understand his desire not to sever the last real connection he had to the man he once looked up to like a father, a connection beyond that now lifeless letter from years ago.

As predicted Rossi carried walking down the aisle, passed his own seat and stopped at his side, pinning Reid with a look not unlike Hotch's 'tell me everything' glare. Avoidance tactics having failed and with nowhere to run, Spencer swallowed his pride and gave it all up with his first words.

"You ever going to finish this game?"

"It's tough one, playing yourself can be tricky."

"Playing a ghost even more so," the kid retreats into himself and Dave feels like an ass, but quickly powers through with his plan, this was for the kid's own good after all. "He's gone Spencer, keeping the game going won't change that.

"He hated goodbyes."

 _Isn't that the truth?_ Rossi wasn't touching that one. If Reid wanted to completely dismiss Gideon's short comings that was up to him. Not like he'll be able to mess with the kid's head or hurt him by abandoning him again that was for sure.

"Gideon also hated unfinished business, so, let's finish it." Ross replied instead, hoping to give them both a little of the closure now permanently denied them.

Reid didn't know what to say. But as it turned out he didn't need to say much of anything. Rossi chose actions instead of words, placing his drink on the table and taking the seat opposite he picked up a chess piece challenging Reid to an end.

Playing his next piece with a smile, fingers tapping with excitement having declared he'd be wiping the floor with Rossi in five moves, Reid realized something. Something scary, something happy and something that made him feel a little bit guilty all at the same time.

Gideon had left and Reid had been angry and upset, but in the end he'd tried to understand. He'd thought as long as Gideon was out there it was good enough, just like his own flesh and blood father, the one he could barely look at let alone speak to. He'd thought, he'd hoped that had Gideon ever come back that he'd be okay, be able to ask the questions he'd been wanting to ask for a long time now and be content with the answers, _was I not enough? Could I have done better?_

Truth was now he'd never know. Never know why Gideon had to leave his family as well as his job. Never know the feeling of satisfaction from finally discovering the truth. The hope of a yet to be determined ending had been stolen from him. He'd never get a conclusion or an apology. The chance to shout and scream and demand an explanation had been taken from him like so much else had been over the years. Gideon and his father had left him years ago, but there were others who hadn't left at all. A couple even joined. But only a select few called him Spencer with all the love and affection that speaking his own name embodied. And one of those people was here right now, sitting across the table from him, playing chess.

It didn't make losing Gideon for the second time any easier, but it was nice to know that despite what he'd said... that empty space? It was filled, and had been for quite some time.


End file.
